I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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