I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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