Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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