you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
