Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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