im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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