I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
