Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
