I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Terrible idea I love it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
