god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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