Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
40s are totally the cure
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
