im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
