my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
