I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
