I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
