Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
