i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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