dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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