In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
