I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
