Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
