Too much gin, very little bucket
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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