I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
