i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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