hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
