I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
