you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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