Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
