I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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