So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
