Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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