zippers are such a cool invention
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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