New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
