I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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