i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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