All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
