yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
