My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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