I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
