and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
