Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
