On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
