fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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