if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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