addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
