I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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