i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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