My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
