Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
