So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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