I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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