I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
