I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
