she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
