I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
