I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
